the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
are you so shy because you have an std?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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