guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
