I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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