I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
