her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize