Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
