I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
