I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
