I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
