don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
