i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
