mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
