I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
