Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
