the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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