Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
