I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
