Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
