I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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