Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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