every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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