In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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