You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize