don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
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