I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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