My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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