I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
