who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize