I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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