Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We're too hungover to prance.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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