i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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