worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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