Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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