Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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