I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize