my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
