i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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