there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
