you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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