Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
