I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
