I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
