i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
