Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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