Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
