I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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