can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
honey bunches of taint.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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