I wish I could teleport
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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