Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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