I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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