i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
