I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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