Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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