Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
