Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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