If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
