i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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