I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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