I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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