Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
