if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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