You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
