I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
