I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize